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Overview

Chris Voss’s book, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It, calls on his FBI career as their top hostage negotiator to equip readers with the negotiating skills needed to secure business deals. For author Chris Voss, the use of rational tools and techniques is not the most effective approach for negotiations. Instead, the key to success, especially in very dangerous negotiations, is tactical empathy, which he describes as “emotional intelligence on steroids.” He also never believed in splitting the difference — “1 black shoe, and 1 brown shoe” is a complete failure.

I love this book: his story is interesting, and it’s full of practical tips.

Chapter 1: The New Rules

Negotiation begins with the simple premise that humans want to be accepted and understood. Choosing to be an active listener is the simplest, yet most effective concession we can make to get there. By being active listeners, we demonstrate empathy and show a sincere desire to better understand what the other side would possibly experience.

Tactical empathy is understanding the feelings and mindset of the other party at the moment and also hearing what is behind those feelings so that you can increase your influence in all the moments that follow. When you closely observe a person’s face, gestures, and tone of voice, your brain begins to align with theirs in a process called neural resonance, and that gives you a window into what they think and feel.

The goal of negotiation is to reveal surprises, use negotiation to test hypotheses, uncover as much information as possible. Uncover what they actually need → get them feeling safe to talk about them.

Chapter 2: Be a Mirror

Mirroring

Mirroring works magic. Repeat the last three words (or the critical one to three words) of what someone has just said because we fear what is different and find comfort in similarity. Using mirroring encourages the other party to empathize and bond with you, keep people talking, buy your party some time, and eventually reveal their strategy. A study by psychologist Richard Wiseman on two groups of waiters concluded that the average tip of the waiters who mirrored was 70 percent more than that of those who used positive reinforcement.

You need to understand what the other party actually needs and get them feeling safe enough to talk about what they really want. Negotiation begins with listening to the other party, validating their concerns and emotions, building trust and creating a safety net that allows for real conversations. Trying to speed up the negotiation process is a mistake that many negotiators make. The problem with this is that, if you’re in too much of a hurry, it can make the other party feel like they’re not being heard, and you risk undermining the rapport and trust that you’ve tried to build.

How to use mirroring:

  • Use the late-night FM DJ voice (below)
  • Mirror
  • Use silence effectively (at least 4 seconds for it to work its magic)
  • and repeat

3 Types of Voices

According to Chris Voss, there are three types of voices available to negotiators:

  • The late-night FM DJ voice: Basically, keep it calm and slow. Use this selectively to make a point. When done properly, the late-night FM DJ voice has the power to create an aura of authority and trust without making the other party defensive.
  • The playful / positive voice: This should be your default voice. It’s the voice of an easygoing, good-natured person. Your attitude is light and encouraging.
  • The direct / assertive voice: This should be used as rarely as possible because this has the potential to create pushback.

Chapter 3: Don’t Feel Their Pain, Label It

Labeling

Labeling is a way of validating someone’s emotion by acknowledging it.

  • The first step to labeling is detecting the other party’s emotional state. The trick to spotting feelings is to pay close attention to changes people undergo when they respond to external events. And more often than not, in a negotiation scenario, these external events are your words.
  • Once you’ve spotted an emotion you want to highlight, the next step is to label it aloud. Labels can be phrased as statements or questions. Labels almost always begin with the following phrases:
    • “It seems like…”
    • “It looks like…”
    • “It sounds like…”
  • In case of a negative labeling, replace negative labels with a positive, compassionate & solution-based thought. Labeling negatives diffuses them, and labeling positives reinforces them.

Labeling helps de-escalate situations because it acknowledges the other party’s feelings rather than continuing to act them out. The golden rule is to understand that you’re dealing with a human who wants to be appreciated and understood. Labels can help reinforce positive perceptions and dynamics.

Accusation Audit

Sometimes, you can neutralize the negative by first saying:

  • List the worst things my counterpart can say about me
  • Use labels to reinforce & encourage positive perceptions
  • Remove “I understand” from your vocabulary. Never use it.

Some examples:

  • “Look, I am an asshole…”
  • “You’re going to think I haven’t done my homework”
  • “You’re going to feel insulted by my offer”
  • “I’m embarrassed to tell you my offer”

Chapter 4: Beware “Yes” — Master “No”

Pushing for a hard “Yes” doesn’t get you any closer to a victory. It only irks the other party. Contrary to popular belief, “No” is the start of the negotiation, not the end of it. In a negotiation scenario, “No” provides a great opportunity for you and the other party to clarify what you really want by eliminating what you don’t want.

The Yes

A “yes” is not always really a yes or alignment. There are several situations when someone would say yes:

  • Counterfeit: This is one where the other party plans on saying “No” but feels that a “Yes” is an easier escape route.
  • Confirmation: This is a generally innocent, reflexive response to a black or white question.
  • Commitment: This is the real deal, one that most often leads to a definite outcome such as the signing of a contract. But given that these three sound almost the same, you’ll have to learn to recognize which one is being used.

The Nos

“No” can often mean: I am not yet ready to agree, You make me feel uncomfortable, I don’t understand, I can’t afford it, I need more information, or I’d prefer talking to someone else. But No can also do a lot:

  • It can allow the real issues to be brought forth.
  • It protects you from making poor decisions—and course-correcting ineffective ones.
  • It slows things down, giving you time to analyze decisions and agreements.
  • It helps you feel safe, secure, and emotionally comfortable.
  • It moves everyone’s efforts forward.

Some Tips:

  • Saying “No” makes the speaker feel safe, secure, and in control, so trigger it. That’s why “Is now a bad time to talk?” is always better than “Do you have a few minutes to talk?”.
  • If a potential business partner is ignoring you, contact them with a clear and concise “No”-oriented question that suggests that you are ready to walk away. “Have you given up on this project?” works wonders.

Chapter 5: Two Words that Transform Any Negotiation

Getting to “That’s Right”

“That’s right” — the two words that can transform any negotiation. “That’s right” is better than “yes” or “Yes, you are right”. Strive for it. Reaching “that’s right” in a negotiation creates breakthroughs. Use a summary to trigger a “that’s right.” The building blocks of a good summary are a label combined with paraphrasing. The process of getting to “That’s right”:

  • Effective pauses: encourage the counterpart to keep talking
  • Minimal encouragements: Yes, OK, Uh-huh, I see → show I’m paying attention
  • Mirroring: Listen & repeat back
  • Labeling: Give feelings a name & identify with how they feel
  • Paraphrase: Repeat in my own words to show that I really understand
  • Summarize: re-articulate meaning of what is said + acknowledge the emotion = paraphrase + labeling

Chapter 6: Bend Their Reality

Deadlines

  • Deadlines make people do impulsive things
  • Resist the urge to rush as a deadline approaches
  • Take advantage of the rush on others
  • Share your deadline: information asymmetry is the worst for you

Fairness

“Fair” — the most powerful word in any negotiation scenario. To become a great negotiator, you must earn the reputation of being a fair one. To get real leverage in a tough negotiation, you have to persuade the other party that they have something to lose if the deal falls through. Here is how you can do that:

  • Anchor their emotions: To bend the other party’s sense of reality, you need to start with the basics of empathy. You need to be able to audit and acknowledge their fears. By anchoring their emotions in preparation for a loss, you inflame the other party’s loss aversion so that they’ll jump at the chance to avoid it. People will take more risks to avoid a loss than to realize a gain. Make sure the other party sees that there is something to lose by inaction.
  • Let the other guy go first: Going first is not necessarily the best thing when it comes to negotiating price. Let the other side anchor monetary negotiations. By letting them anchor you also might get lucky: for instance, Chris has had many negotiation experiences when the other party’s first offer was higher than the closing figure he had in mind. If he’d gone first they would have agreed and he would have left with either the winner’s curse or buyer’s remorse. However, this could have a counter-effect. You need to be prepared to physically withstand the first offer. If the other party is a tough one, they may just end up bending your perception of reality.
  • Establish a range: Establish a ballpark figure with credible references to support your statement. For instance, instead of saying, “I’m worth $110,000,” say, “At top places like Acme Corp., people in this job get between $130,000 and $170,000.” That gets your point across without making the other party defensive.
  • Pivot to non-monetary terms: Make your offer seem reasonable by offering things that aren’t important to you but could be important to them. Or, if their offer is low you could ask for things that matter more to you than them.
  • When you talk numbers, use odd ones: Numbers that end in a ‘0’ tend to feel like placeholders. But any arbitrary number you throw out that sounds less rounded — like say, $78,435 — feels like a figure that you came to as a result of a thoughtful calculation.
  • Surprise them with a gift: Make the other party feel generous by staking an extreme anchor, and then after their obvious rejection, offering them a completely unrelated surprise gift.

Some tips:

  • When someone says “We just want what’s fair”, the correct response is: “Ok I apologize. Let’s stop everything and go back to where I started treating you unfairly and we’ll fix it.”
  • When someone says “We have given you a fair offer”, the correct response is: “Fair? It seems like you are ready to provide the evidence that supports that.”

Chapter 7: Calibrated Questions

Calibrated questions have the power to educate the other party on what the problem is rather than causing conflict by telling them what the problem is. Here are some calibrated questions that Chris uses in almost every negotiation, depending on the situation:

The Whats

  • What makes you ask?
  • What about this is important to you?
  • What is it that brought us into this situation?
  • What’s the objective and what are we trying to accomplish here?
  • What do your colleagues see as the main challenges of this area?

The Hows

  • How can I help make this better for us?
  • How would you like me to proceed?
  • How can we solve this problem?
  • How am I supposed to do that?
  • How will we address things if we are off-track?
  • How does this affect the rest of your team?
  • How on board are the people not on this call?

Calibrated questions make the other party feel like they’re in charge, but it’s really you who is driving the conversation. Don’t use “Can, Is, Are, Do, Does”. Avoid questions that can be answered as Yes that reveals just a tiny bit of information.

Chapter 8: Guarantee Execution

Negotiators are decision architects. As a negotiator, you have to dynamically and adaptively design every element of the negotiation to get both consent as well as execution. Here are some tactics, tools, and methods for using subtle verbal and nonverbal forms of communication to understand and modify the mental states of the other party:

Various Rules

  • The 7-38-55 Percent Rule: The 7-38-55 Percent Rule created by Albert Mehrabian states that only 7 percent of a message is based on the words while 38 percent comes from the tone of voice and 55 percent from the speaker’s body language and face. Pay close attention to the other party’s tone and body language and identify if it matches with the literal meaning of the words they are trying to convey. If they don’t align, it is quite obvious that they are lying.
  • The Rule of Three: The Rule of Three is simply getting the other party to agree to the same thing three times in the same conversation.
    • The first time they agree to something, that’s the first instance.
    • For the second instance, you can label or summarize what they said so they answer, “That’s right.”
    • And the third instance could be a calibrated “How” or “What” question about implementation, something like “What do you see as being the most difficult thing to get around?”
  • The Pinocchio Effect: A Harvard Business School study by professor Deepak Malhotra and his colleagues found that on average, liars use more words than those telling the truth. They also tend to use more third-person pronouns. They also tend to use “We, they, them” instead of I — to distance themselves.
  • The Chris Discount: People often get tired of hearing their own name. Switch tracks and use your name instead. This creates a sense of “forced empathy” and makes the other party see you as human.

Deflecting Punches + Saying No

Deflecting punches:

  • What are we trying to accomplish here?
  • Let’s put price off to the side for a moment & talk about what would make this a good deal?
  • What else would you be able to offer to make this a good price for me?

You can also use the following to increase your empathy:

  • That’s very generous of you, but…
  • That price is more than fair, but…
  • Thank you for taking the time talking to me, but…

4 ways to say NO:

  • How am I supposed to do that?
  • Your offer is very generous, but I am sorry that just doesn’t work for me
  • I am sorry but I am afraid I just can’t do that
  • I’m sorry, no

Chapter 9: Bargain Hard

The Ackerman Model

The Ackerman Model is an offer-counteroffer method. The six-step process is:

  • Set your target price (your goal).
  • Then progressively bargain:
    • If buyer: 65% → 85% → 95% → 100%
    • If seller: 135% → 115% → 105% → 100%
  • Use lots of empathy and different ways of saying “No” to get the other side to counter before you increase your offer.
  • When calculating the final amount, use precise, non-round numbers like, say, $37,893 rather than $38,000. It gives the number credibility and weight.
  • On your final number, throw in a non-monetary item (that they probably don’t want) to show you’re at your limit.

Before you head into a negotiation, carefully prepare your Ackerman plan. This will ideally help you get the bargain and prevent the other party from trying to milk your deal for the maximum value.

Different Kinds of Negotiators

  • Analyst: is all about acquiring facts and information. Time = preparation, silence = an opportunity to think. They are methodical and diligent, don’t like surprises, prefer to work on their own, information aggregator, may appear to agree but just to agree to think about it.
    • Doesn’t like calibrated questions. Apologies have very little value. Hypersensitive to reciprocity.
    • Use data to convince them.
    • Worst enemy: assertive type.
  • Accommodator: Building relationship > making a deal. Time = relationship, silence = anger. Sociable, optimistic.
    • May overpromise, agree to give you something that they can’t deliver.
    • Use what & how calibrated questions to focus on execution.
    • Worst enemy: accommodator.
  • Assertive: Being heard > making a deal. Time = money, silence = opportunity to speak more. Getting perfect solution is less important than getting things done.
    • They need to be convinced that you understand them.
    • Use calibrated questions + labels to get a “that’s right”.
    • Worst enemy: analyst type.

Chapter 10: Find the Black Swan

Different Leverages

As a negotiator, you need to instill that element of fear in the other party which makes them feel like they have everything to lose if the deal falls through. According to Chris, there are three types of leverage: Positive, Negative, and Normative:

  • Positive leverage: This is when you as a negotiator can withhold or provide what the other party wants.
  • Negative leverage: This is your ability as a negotiator to make the other party suffer.
  • Normative leverage: This is when you analyze the other party’s stance and use it to advance your position.

Black Swans are leverage multipliers. Discovering Black Swans that give you normative leverage can be as easy as questioning the other party’s beliefs and actively listening. You want to absorb what they speak and mirror it back to them.

Why People Sometimes Act Crazy

People acting crazy often are not. Instead, chances are, your counterpart:

  • is ill informed: has incomplete information, or different from mine
  • is constrained: may not have the power to close a deal
  • has other interests: have hidden interests to justify his/her behavior